Faster (Guest Review)

Special Guest Reviewer: Mr Joseph Yadao aka JR

And I present to you - the first professional write-up on any of my blogs.
Thanks dude. Let's watch 'Limitless' next.

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Watched With: Adam Shah @ GV Tampines (02/04)
Snacks: None
Genre: Action

As I type this, millions, and millions of Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s fans will be chanting his name as he makes his return to Wrestlemania.

When they caught the trailer for Faster, I’m pretty sure the millions, and millions of them said “Finally! The Rock has come back…to the action genre….” Think about it, I’m pretty sure wrestling fans weren’t lining up to watch The Game Plan or The Race to Witch Mountain.

Driver (Dwayne Johnson) is Driver. No, we don’t know his name; he’s just the getaway driver from a bank heist. He’s out of jail and he’s pissed because someone a decade earlier double-crossed his crew and slit his brother’s throat. Now together with his weird-ass solid black line tattoo, a Chevrolet Chevelle SS and a big-ass revolver, he’s out for blood, in a kill-em-all-and-let-God-sort-em-out kinda way.

The movie kicks off with literally a bang, with someone getting one between the eyes, and for those looking for gratuitous violence- the kills are up close and personal, with each person seemingly knowing what’s coming to them.

Cop (Billy Bob Thornton) is a, erm…cop with a sordid past who’s trying to just make it through the last days prior to his retirement. He has issues, a druggie ex-wife and a fat kid who can’t play baseball for nuts. Work’s a bitch too, literally, with Detective Cicero (Carla Gugino) hell-bent on tracking down Driver.

Killer (Oliver Jackson-Cohen) is a Jake Gyllenhaal lookalike. He’s a conquer-all-before-me, used to be a pai kah kid who is now entrepreneur/computer programmer/hitman prettyboy who sleeps with a gorgeous woman, lives in a beautiful home, drives a Ferrari 360, and packs a whole lotta cool weapons in a bespoke briefcase. He’s been hired by the mastermind behind the killings to stop Driver. He’s out for, quite literally, a cheap ($1) thrill, and he’s finally met his match in Driver.

The story unravels itself through thinly disguised scenes of character development and that’s where it ends. Killings aside, there’s maybe some chase scenes between Driver’s Chevelle and Killer’s Ferrari, and between Killer’s Ferrari and the would-be Mrs Killer’s Lotus Elise. The latter is totally irrelevant though, much like the other scenes in this movie.

It’s rare to find a movie that leaves you speechless at the end of it all. And Faster achieves that for all the wrong reasons. You’re left wondering what just happened and hoping that when life flashes before your eyes when your time has come, the 98-minutes of Faster don’t replay itself.

This movie came out in the States last November, but it is so bad that Singapore cinemas probably decided to release it the week prior to Wrestlemania to capitalize on The Rock’s popularity.

For all his charisma as The Rock, Dwayne Johnson has none of it on screen. The best performance goes to Billy Bob Thornton’s hair. It’s not quite up there with Nicolas Cage’s, but it does deserve special mention.

Mr Joseph's Final Verdict: Don’t bother watching; although the 'Limitless' trailer was well worth the price of entry.
Go see that. It opens this week.

Final Verdict: